I was on the road overlooking the harbor entrance, looking out to sea. Wailing.

A deep primal cry out over the water….P A R A M O U N T C H I E F K A R E T A I ! ! !

I had heard this wailing before during tangihanga. The women, wailing for their loved ones who have passed on. A crying out from the depths of my soul with such emotion and power, the tremble, the tremor in my voice, hidden within me till now.

Wailing to the heavens and across the water to my beloved.

I was calling out the names of the lost. Those who died when the power of the ocean capsized the boat they were all on.

As the sun was coming up, I was calling out their names with my wailing.

I was calling out to Spirit with everything that I had within me. I was connecting their mauri, their life force to the land, to their bloodline, and to their ancestors. I wanted the world to know that my beloved and those who were with him that night, were gone. I wanted my words, my wailing to carry them home to the stars.

It was my way to release the grief.

They would hear my cry as I farewelled them.

I lost Rewai, my beloved husband, my soul mate that day. When I met him, I felt that we were whole. That I was complete. But, then 2 short years later he was gone.

It was gut wrenching, my world was shattered,

My heart broken, in pieces.

Loss and Grief
2 little words
1000 sorrows

Many wives, mothers, lovers, brothers sons and daughters have lost their loved ones to the sea. Fishing communities around the world share this pain and the news reports another “Lost at Sea”

There’s a repeating pattern of this loss from my past. The theme of being left.

I was alway trying to find my place. to please people… I needed to please so they would like me and include me. I chose relationships with wounded hurting men, so I could be the one to help heal them. But really, it was just a platform for the abuse… I was willing to take what they would dish out. Because, I needed to be needed. To be wanted.. Because they would leave and I’d be alone again.

It started when my Dad left, the sense of being abandoned ,maybe I was 10,.., then my first husband, and then Rewai. He was over protective to the point of dysfunction. He would get so worried about me being hurt, something happening, or some other guy taking me from him. It was like he was reflecting that same sense of loss. The need to hold on tight. He needed me like I needed him. He had said “losing me would destroy him”.

Instead, I LOST him in the most tragic of ways.

Then, it’s the aloneness again. Having had a blink of what it would be like to have somebody to grow old with just when I had found him….it was heart wrenching.

I’m coming into a much better place now. Learning to love all of me.

At that time, I remember saying…at least I got to experience true once in a lifetime kinda love even if it was for a brief moment. I was grateful for experiencing that intense passion and the kind of love that goes beyond this lifetime. This month on the 15th will be 8 years, I feel the infinite circle of completion. And, I’m going to celebrate that.

Being in the nest was about me holding me. It took me right back to being in the cradle. Embraced in safety as a child. It felt like I was being rocked in a bassinet. There was a sense of having my back against the side of the nest. To feel like I was being held by another. And that brought on the tears. Rewai was great at that. He was great at taking all of me and holding me from behind. I loved those kind of snuggles.

Being in the nest was my safe harbor, a safe place to lay my head and a safe place to drop anchor and rest.